** Good Magic Never Ends **

I need advice please! *puppy eyes*

I'm not going to go into the whole I'm depressed it's christmas thing because that would take me an hour to write down but I have a friends problem that's needs sorting now.

To try and make short, Eileen, my friend from lycée, is really annoying me. She has kind of always "needed" me. She has had lots of problems, problems that I usually qualified as shallow and superficial problems because it always came to boys but not in a nice way. I'm not trying to say I feel superior here, but she always gets involved with the wrong guys. For example: she has dated two or even three guys at the same time, cheated on almost all her boyfriends, has had lots of one night stands when she was only 16.. I'm not judging her but let's say I've always been there for her when he has had problems which brings me to say our friendship has consisted in her taking and me giving.

When I fell in love with a guy who broke my heart she was there for me. So I could take a bit of our friendship. However, recalling back now, I'm realising she was having boy troubles at the same time because the guy she was dating had another girlfriend too of 4 years at the same time of being with her. It makes me think she was helping me, but in the meantime taking from me too.

I know it's not a match of who takes or gives more in a friendship but now all is well in her little world because the guy in question has left her girlfriend and so Eileen has been dating him for 11months now. I know she's in love with him because it's the first time she hasn't looked at any other guys. But since then, she has totally left me on my own ........and especially when I needed her the most.

I know it's hard to deal with somebody elses grief, and I know people don't know what to do, what to say or how to react. I realize and agree with that. But, Eileen is supposedly my friend and now, because she has her little perfect life, she does not take any news of me whatsoever.

She hasn't asked me once how I am, or if I'm ok (which I'm not but not the point), or am I dealing ok. Oh yes, she has invited me to her flat once (always with the bf) and out to discos (she knows I don't like discos!), but not once to talk - not even about my mum, but just to have a girly chat in general!
I can't even say she doesn't know I'm not well because she does/did, and still, hasn't taken any news!

But.........yesterday I got this message asking if I could help her for some school stuff. Nothing else, not how are you, nothing, just can you help me with this? She's already done that once to me. It was in September, and she asked me could I give her some papers.
So when I got the text I just wanted to scream and to reply fuck off but I didn't. I thought that maybe I shouldn't cause a row, but I'm fed-up being the good girl who every walks over.

So what should I do? Any advice I will be grateful

Thank you all for listening to my bitching/ranting.

It's just that at the moment I feel so out of everything and I don't think it's only to do with loosing Mum. It's certainly playing a big part in my mood and general depression but there's more to it too.

Last year, at the same time, I had good grades in uni and was enjoying the course, I had a job which I didn't particularly love but I loved the people and loved going to work, I had a kind of boyfriend (that was one reason why I loved going to work!) who I was in love with, I was planning my trip to Barcelona with him and his friends and I had Mum with whom I had the best relationship a daughter and her mother can have. I also was growing up and so we talked a lot more than before, if it was possible!
So basically I was having the time of my life. In perspective I'm a bit ashamed of how I was behaving with the guy but at the same it felt fine and I loved it.
Then, after a few months of being a bit down when he left, I then had another boyfriend and a great social life. Ater ditching the boyfriend I still had a great social life with people I loved at the time. I'm saying at the time because I don't see those people anymore.

Today, I have no job, no interest in my studies because the subjects are boring and I have lots more work to do than last year, no boyfriend and no male presence at all in my life that isn't my dad or my ex, no Mum, and no social life.
So yes, it's hard. I know the lack of social life is my fault because my uni "friends" socialize a lot but the thing is I don't like being with them. Well, I enjoy being with them when we are all together and there are no "strangers" with us at the same time. Then I have a good time, but two of the girls socialize together with some high school people I don't like. At the beginning they always asked me to come and I said no because I didn't want to be with high school people. Now they just don't ask. I don't mind because I wouldn't go anyway and they just drink and drink.

The people I used to socialize with, I don't see anymore. Eileen, now she has a boyfriend, has completely left me on my own in my time of need. She just takes and takes and never gives to me. The one time she gave to me was when my ex left, and I'm beginning to think it was only because she was experiencing kind of the same situation. I know it's hard for people to cope with a friend who has lots someone, I know that and I don't know if I would be good at it, but one text or one phone call never hurt anyone. I was ALWAYS there for her when she needed me, and the one time I need her she just leaves me alone to deal with things, just because now she has her happy life and boyfriend and has no time for me.
Yes I'm annoyed and upset by it. I mean, even if I don't talk about my feelings, can't she just send me a text? Oh yes she invited me out, but to a disco when she knows I hate that. And then, the time I went to her flat for an evening out, I had a good time and saw last year's people and it was very nice but I haven't seen her on her own since last May.

Also, I'm annoyed because I bet you when/if something goes wrong with her boyfriend or in her life she'll come back to me.

As to my best friend, she is great but we don’t see each other that often, well not enough to my liking. Also, she’s not the type to pick up the phone and spend hours on it. I don’t blame her because her mum is like that too but sometimes it would be nice. Also, she doesn’t realize that even though I love her to bits, I also love her family and would like to spend some time with her parents when the only thing she wants is to get away from them. Life is so complicated sometimes!

I haven't been too good recently. It's like it's all catching up with me.
I was fine during the first month and now, well, I'm not. Usually it's the other way around but I guess as I said to Canute, I can't do as anyone else lol.

Anyway, I had a good cry last night with my dad so let's hope that will make me feel better. We also hugged, something we never ever do. I think the last time we did was when I was depressed at high school - and that's more than 4 years ago!
At least, now he knows I'm not too good and honnestly that's a big relief for me because if you look at me just like a normal person would, I appear as doing fine. I don't show my feelings anymore whether that's good or bad I don't know but it's a if a big weight has been lifted from my shoulders now that Dad knows I'm not doing brilliantly. Already, he told my neighbour who was mum's best friend, and she stills pops in when she sees my car at WE's which is very nice. So he told her, and she asked me today. I also think he will tell the french group of friends today (he's at a lunch with them because it's his bday tomorrow) so that's nice to know too.

People were all saying I'm brave and so strong at first. That was what came out of almost all of them. They ALL said oh Annie, so strong, so brave and blablabla. They were all saying the exact same words - and yes, it was true at first, but it's not now. I think that because it wasn't such a shock to me, and I somehow had prepared for what was going to happen, I had time to prepare and protect myself. But I'm getting tired of it now and so, I'm letting some of my feelings slip out. That's how I see it. In one way, I'm relieved the feelings are finally here in some way,  even if it's two month later.
So now, dad will tell his friends I'm not ok and they will prob have a good talk about it and that will be that. I actually find that I'm happy about that - happy to know somebody is taking care of me and not me taking care of someone. It's like I'm a kid again, and not the grown up adult
I've had to be. And it feels good.

And my mind obviously thinks that too because I've had the best sleep in ages last night. I slept for 13 hours straight! woot!

I had a bad day yesterday and I don't know what to do. I was at this party with Eileen and gang and are usually are good friends, not the best but people I like. But this time I don't know what happened. I'm used to them teesing me about my size (in height not weight) and I usually don't mind because I know it's not mean, they're just having a bit of fun and it's only light - I'm sure they would laugh if I thought they meant it. Well, you know me – I do mind butI know they don't mean it badly. Anyway, there was this girl who I had never met before and she was ok at first, but then when we were all starting to leave a few of us (not the people I prefer I have to say) went outside for a last drink. And that girl was pretty mean to me. I didn't know what to do and it was a a point when the others were out of reach so I couldn't even turn to them. She didn’t say anything, it was just in her acting.

 

But that’s not really the main problem.

I'm tired, it's as if I can't go on anymore, I'm fedup of fighting. I think those people don't know about you, but they still shouldn't be that way. The thing is, even people who do know, they think I'm coping and it's true if you look at me, you could say I'm coping but I'm not. I'm tired of smiling all the time. I don't collapse once I'm alone but I seem to be in this "mood" , the never happy mood! I’m just always moody, and never totally myself. Like when I got my test, oh yes of course I was happy – for about 5 mins, then it just went away and the never-happy mood came back again.

For the supermarket jov, they told me no, but I might have another one. I should’ve either been very angry about the first one or happy about the second one. I wasn’t either. Just blank. As if I’m on a straight like all the time with no ups and no downs. I’m scared of feeling this way and I don’t know what to do or who to talk to.

 

I’m going to a football match tonight with dad, and I should be really really happy but all I can think of is ‘blah’. And I have loads of work to do, work I just can’t seem to see the end of. I haven’t really started anyway but it’s bugging me.

I just seem to be tired of fighting for everything. Every day seems to be a battle to get the things I want and I just don't know for how long I'll be able to continue this way.

Well you might already know thanks to facebook but anyway:

I PASSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wouhouhouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

Now I can drive woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooot!

Well I don't know if I passed it (in France since last year you recieve a letter with the result) but at least it was a dam better one than last time! (well to be honnest I couldn't do worse lol)

Didn't go too fast, got one out of two perfect manouvers, one out of two questions (so that's fine). And as for the driving, well as I said I didn't go too fast, and didn't refuse any rights of way.

What could bring me down is I forgot the indicator twice and they are quite strict on that. But then, the first time I had to brake to let a lorry pass so didn't have time for the indicator, and the second time we were back to the test start so not too bad I hope.

AND the person after me got it (she sneaky peeked) when she twice put her indicator before looking (and that's quite serious) .

I felt quite confident after getting out of the car but my instructor (the lessons one not the tst one) said I should wait and see, she wasn't sure about the indicators.

Anyway I'll get the reply wednesday or thursday. At least the instructor was a really nice person and this time he at least waited until I was comfortable to do his little speech and tell me to go. I even had time to take deep breathes lol!

I'm retaking my driving test monday morning.

I'm already in a state.

At least my instructor told me today and not three weeks ago like last time.

Bloody test

Hey flist,

No I haven't disappeared I'm still on this planet!

First of all I would like to thank everyone for all your comments, pms, and messages. I haven't replied to everyone personnaly but they meant a lot to me, to know I have so much support and friends. I value Immy friends sooo much.

These past weeks I've been so busy dealing with people and answering calls, telling people the news, I haven't really had time to sort out my emotions and my feelings but I'm getting there. Real has been so tiring, I can't even think about how hectic everything was. Each person expects to be phoned and talked to for about an hour which I just couldn't do and Dad couldn't do it either. I just stopped answering the phone and everything got easier then! I don't know what it is with people but they expect me to be crying all the time and wanting to share my feelings with them even if they are almost like strangers to me or people I don't like to talk to/never did much anyway!

The week of the cremation was so surreal for me - it was as if it wasn't happening, or as if it was happening to somebody else and I was just watching as a stranger was being cremated in front of me. It was so bizarre but at least my Irish cousins were there. Jenni and Ashley - they are like sisters to me, much more than cousins and them being there, made it so much easier for me to cope with everything, with all the people present that day!

My brother didn't go to the cremation but then I didn't expect him to go. He said his goodbyes the thursday he left for Spain and it obviously was really really hard for him. He couldn't come back  – didn't want to – didn't have the strenght to – didn't want to go through everything again. I totally understand him and sometimes I wish I also was in Spain whitout having to do all this. I know I'm the responsible one but it's so annoying sometimes! Jenni even offered to pay my bro's plain ticket and he refused so... Although he did send us/me a great email. The words that came out of it... I've never seen my bro talk or write like that.

Do you know, people expect me to be sad and crying all the time. Of course I'm sad, I'll always be but for the moment I'm just relieved really – relieved that she is finally free of pain and that she is happy now. The sadness and grief are there too but not every day at every waking moment. However, I felt so tired and I still am - emotionnaly and physically. I'm just knackered by everything and I want to sleep most of the time.

I've had a few panic attacks (well two really with one quite serious). They scared me quite a bit. I had pains in my chest, couldn't breathe properly and my mouth went all stiff. For the first one I was on my own in Caen and it frightened me quite a bit - the second one I was at home but I didn't dare tell dad. He has enough on his plate and also I knew it was due to stress. I'm trying to deep breathe when I think I'm losing it and it helps a lot but I'm still working on it.

Enough for now as writing all this is draining me and forcing me to go back which I don't really want to do.

See you soon flist!

She's gone...

Mum has been transfered to a kind of hospice and I can safely say both dad and I are relieved. It was pretty intense and difficult for the last days because my bro went back to Spain and so it was a definite goodbye between him and Mum. Apparently (I wasn't there) they were both in tears and it took everyone's energy out.
Thursday and Friday her morphine doses were upped so she was pretty zonked out. Dad took the decision to transfer her, and they came for her friday afternoon. I'm glad I wasn't there as my neighbour (Mum's best friend) said it wasn't a pretty sight. See, our stairs are very stiff and difficult but you'd honnestly think they would be more careful with the patient. Anyway, dad and I visited her on friday evening after he had collected me from my flat.

The center is nice, and all the people seem very kind and attentive to the patients needs which I couldn't say about the hospital! If the patient needs something, however silly or funny the demand is, they get it or do their best to get it anyway. They were so nice to us and said if there is any change in her state they would phone immediatly. They also phone if they can't figure out what the patient needs which I think is really good. Family and visitors can cook meals if they want to stay the day and there also is a very nice coffee/sitting room. It's also possible to visit at night time and stay the night. It's really very good and Mum seems to be quite comfy.

However, as soon as I walked in her room, I  wanted to get out and run as fast as I could. I didn't want to be there and I don't think my Dad wanted to either. He visited again today but I didn't want to go. I couldn't. It's too hard now. Before it was ok because she could speak and didn't fall alseep and wake up too often, she really was alert most of the time. Now it's different and I don't think I can take it any more. I think I have been coping quite well uptill now but I seem to have crossed a line and can't go back behind it.

Eta: well dad just came back from visiting her and she isn't conscient anymore. I think it's only a matter of days now

I took my driving test this morning, and I completely flunked it. I was far too stressed and I didn't see a red light. I braked once I saw it obviously but too late.
I wanted to call Mum about it and tell her how bad it went. And I wanted her to reassure me and say it would be ok, and I would get it next time. I needed reassurance.

And that's when I realized she was too sleepy with all the morphine and couldn't answer me. And the tears started. Well and truly. I'm losing my best friend, and it's sinking in right this moment. My keyboard is all wet and I can't even see what I'm typing. I've just realized nobody is here to tell me everything's going to be fine.

I'm not crying, I can't. Why can't I? Even my brother did. I mean my brother! I've never seen him cry in all my life - nor has my Mum now I come to think of it. So why am I not? I shed so many tears at school before Uni, I have the impression I don't have any left.

Mum's state is deteriorating really fast since Saturday. She almost can't get up now and she's in pain. We called the doctor who's comong tomorrow morning and we would like to have her hospitalised. It would be safer for her to have doctors around her, as they would give her the medication to ease the pain by drip and she also wouldn't have to go the loo anymore which would save those trips. I really think it's best the idea. She agrees, and I also think it would lessen Dad's stress. He hasn't slept properly in days even though he's not working as he has to get up at 6 every morning to let the nurse in and otherwise he can't sleep because mum's coughing. It's harder on him than it is on us.

And by us I mean me and my brother. My brother who doesn't lift a finger to help in the house and who rows with my father every 5 minutes. God I hate it. They row all the fucking time. It's as if there's a whole world in between them - in fact I think there is. Once Mum's gone I'm not even sure Dad will see my bro ever again. Me? Well I love my bro but we don't seem to manage to talk and I'm pissed off that he doesn't even try to make an effort towards me. Yes he loves me but he doesn't try, doesn't talk to me.

God, it's hard. I just want Mum to die you know, to stop her pain and for her to begin in a new place even if I'm not sure I believe in heaven and hell. Although if that exists she'll certainly go to heaven where her sister is. is it bad of me? To wish my own mum's death? I feel terrible. I feel terrible even to consider that thought - but it's there in front of me. I want her to go and be in peace.
And then I'm wondering how can I be going to a restaurant with my best friend on wednesday night for my fucking birthday and then shopping the next day? But then I think it doesn't change anything whether i'm here or not and why am I feeling so fucking guilty!!!

As I suspected the cancer is terminal and Mum has about two months left. She knows it, and she was the one who told me. I'm telling you this dried-eyed, I haven't managed to cry yet, maybe because I knew it already deep down. I haven't seen my dad yet but I'm glad he's not the one who told me. At least Mum has time to sort all her matters out and for that I'm thankful.

Thank you for all your comments and messages they mean so much to me even though I take my time replying.

Froggy if you read this, thank you again and I'll keep in touch. Your last message helped me so much. And as you said, if she hadn't asked, they wouldn't have said. If you want to send me anything, don't hesitate, I may not reply but I read everything and every bit helps.

Thanks for all your comments, they mean a lot to me.


Just to be clear and to clarify it for myself, mum hasn't yet been diagnosed as in terminal phase "officially" but her condition has deteriorated so badly during the last month or so that I can only tell myself it is. I mean, is it really bad to prepare myself for the worst, and trying to accept it's terminal instead of not wanting to face reality? I don't know, I don't have that answer. But I don't want to kid myself in thinking it's going to get better because I don't think it will and neither does she. And for mum to loose hope, well... My mum is known for her positive attitude and rarely sees the negative or even is in bad mood. If she thinks it's finished, I believe her.

 Already when she first was diagnosed almost 3 years ago, the doctor only gave her treament because she's a fighter and has the "positive attitude" but he never thought she would live for long. He didn't think it would work.
She's already had 3 years benefit thanks to her positiveness and hopefullness so I guess I can only be thankful I had my mum for at least 3 more years than I was supposed to. And I don't know if you remember but 3 years ago, I, myself, was in a catastrophic state/depression/ almost suicidal and well if she had gone at that time, I don't know what would have become of me. Ironic that the two people who helped me the most are gone/going. Those people are Judith (Paddy) and Mum. I don't know what to think of that. The ones who believe in faith and destiny would probably say my guardian angels have finished their work so they are leaving human world now to let me continue my path on my own but that would be incredibly selfish of me.

I have to be thankful I've had Mum for three more years than I originally planned by the doctors but it's hard. It is. Mum is my best friend and we have a very strong relationship. I tell her almost everything and she tells me lots too because I'm the "responsible" one. Even though this year our relationship has changed because with Uni I didn't confide or tell her as much, well she's still the one I turn to for problems. Serious problems I mean. However, maybe we've talked less this year because I, myself, have been more confortable in my life and much happier. Again, this is quite selfish.



I just want to say I appreciate all your offers to talk and don't think I'm pushing them away but at the moment, I'm sort of in between. I don't know what I'm feeling, I can't deal with my feelings or face them because I don't know what they are. It's not loss, because she's not gone, it's not grief either. Anger? Anger that my family has suffered many cancers (I myself have had lukiemia twice and I'm still here!) probably, but I know it won't change anything. So for the moment I'm trying not to think about it really, and continue my life as normally as possible, even if it's very hard.

What's one supposed to do when their mum is dying?

If you know the answer,help me because I'm searching and I can't find how to cope that thought.

I can't even imagine for one minute how will it be when she actually goes, and I'm saying "when" not "if" because I have this bad feeling about the situation. Her mood had changed, she doesn't seem to want to fight anymore and she's not eating anything.

Help!

Oh I love Uni!

I love Uni when it gives my results 3 days earlier than planned!

I love Uni when it makes my day!

And YES! Not even did I get my year but I got blimming good marks! AND the fact that even though I didn't study very much at all for the last semester because I was working and STILL got great grades made my day even more!

Yup because, dear flist, I got 15.2/20 first semester and 14,4/20 second semester which means overall I have 15 for the year! AND I'm in the top of the results AND not many people passed the second semester! I actually was quite amazed at the amount of people who failed their second semester.

But yeeeey! I'm so happy!

First of all I didn't get the Flunch job. Well you know I worked there in June but they aren't keeping me on July/August. I'm actually not too dissapointed about it because you know what lame excuse they told me? The HR lady said I was "too bavarde" which means I talk too much! Ahem! I almost had the giggles! Excuse me madam to be liked by other people when you aren't! That's the worst excuse I've ever heard! Of course she also said I was too slow but that came after and she didn't insist on it so much! I'm saying, it's not my fault if my collegues liked me and we had good fun together And it's not as if I held a conversation with them during rush hour, but still... Ah well, it doesn't matter, it was a hard job anyway and it made me loose 3 kilos lol! All that running around ws killing me.
Right, now I have to figure how to not put the weight back on!

Yesterday I managed to get a job interview in a book shop. How awesome is that?! The interview went ok I think but I had to insist on the fact that no, my studies won't be interfering with the job and no I won't mind doing extra hours if they need me even though I have classes. She really pushed me on that, made me see all the bad sides and then asked me if I was still interested! Hell yes! I said I'd worked last school year so she asked me if I'd got my year. I did indeed and with the honours too (well official results are monday but I'm confident I've got it). They are taking their decision today, and calling me Monday/Tuesday. At least if I don't get that job, I know it's because they are afraid a student won't be motivated enough and it's a reasonnable excuse this time - not like other people I won't name. Ahem.

I'm so fucking fed-up of waiting!

I'm fed-up of waiting to know if I can keep my accomodation next year because of a fucking administration who LOST my blimming papers so I couldn't make the first round of votes, and so I have to fucking wait for 8t of July!!! And even then I might not know, and the people are so incompetent!

I'm fed-up of waiting for my results, do people really need 3 whole weeks to correct papers, then correct them but not give the results for another 2 weeks? Answer is supposed to be 6h of July, but probably will be later.

I'm fed-up of waiting to know if I have a summer job! Can't the boss just tell me if they are keeping me?! Not to mention she doesn't like me because we sort of have a silent row the other day which I was right about. To punish me she made me go to do washing up and I'm there tonight too.

I'm so fucking fed-up!! And mum's cancer is definitly not getting better and she's so tired and I want my mum back!

Yes yes and YES!!
I'm finally on holidays! Woot!
After all the exams palava, strikes, blocking and the lot, I finally finished my last exam today! I'm sure I flunked that one but I hope I have enough advance with the others so that I don't have to repeat it in September. I don't want to sound too over-confident in saying I passed this semester but I hope I have. I didn't revise like I should've because I didn't have time but I'm hoping I just passed it.

Talking about work, I'm still working week-ends in the restaurant chain, this WE is my 3rd one. It's very tiring, I'm always on my feet and running here and there and everywhere and with my exams at the same time I felt as if I was sleeping standing up! But now, with those finished and out of the way, I'm sure it will be better and I'll just be tired during my shift days and one or two after. God exams + work + driving lessons good me knackered! KNACKERED lol!
Anyway they're going to tell me if they want me for the summer at the end of June. Let's hope so! I'll try to talk to them about it at the end of my contract, when I'm signing it and all. Maybe I can get a 25 hour contract, because 30 would be too much I think.

In other news, we're getting a kitten! He's gorgeous!!! I don't know if you remember Molly who got killed by a fucking driver not even a year after we'd got him - well I think my dad misses having a cat more than he wants to let on. It was him who suggested getting another kitten, and how funny and lucky that friends of ours were looking for owners! It's definitly a male this time (Molly was actually a male lol!!!).
So if you have name ideas it's right now!

Well it sounds as if we are finally doing our exams after 2 months of blocking, and strikes. They are still a month and a half late but there's nothing we can do now!
So today I started with maths, which went ok I think considering I didn't study at all towards it. I completed all of it, and except a minor error where I forgot to divide the total, I think it went well. Tomorrow I'm taking responsibilty law which I like very much, but the exam itself it quite hard. I can do well in it, but it's quite complicated. The one that's worrying me though is wednesday's, which is general economics. I don't understand much of it, and I don't really want to study for it during the night.

The reason I couldn't study at all this week-end was because I found a job! *congratulates self* - well at least for the moment I have one until end of June which is already great! I'm working in a sort of fast-food restaurant, but not like McDonalds. It"s more like a canteen. I worked there ALL week-end and I'm insisting on the *all* because I did friday night, saturday and sunday lunch, and saturday and sunday evening! Duh! I finished at 11.30 pm at night but I got to my place at around 12.30 am because the blimming trams don't circulate much at that time! After it was shower, and bed! I'm sooooooo tired!! Between getting up, going to work, taking the tram back, going back to work, it was at home for about 2 hour each day! Not enough to study.
And my legs and arms will need a week to recover to functionning normally again!

So yeah, I couldn't work for my exams, or not much. But I'm really not in the mood to work in between them either! I just want to eat and sleep!