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My dirty little secret - it's not pretty!

May. 14th, 2014 | 06:17 pm

I have an eating disorder. There. I said it.

I used to be anorexic and after that I was a binge eater. Now I'm a bit of both and today I reached an all time low: I made myself sick. And it was so horrible I decided to tell people about this because I've been hiding it for too long now. My dirty little secret!

I was obese as a child thanks to lots of chemo and after my mum helped me diet and lose a lot of the weight I started to binge eat - not her fault of course but the diet I was on was probably too restricted. Anyhow, I was doing WW and got obsessed with the points system, binging when I went over. And when I say binge I mean stuff myself until my stomach felt like it was going to explode. Then I was anorexic for a year before binging again when I went to Poland. It was so bad I used to binge once every two days or so - I thought another diet was the answer but it only made things worse. I remember going on the holiday of a lifetime to NY but binging the last couple of days which made things a bit less fantastic than I make them out to be.

After that I started law school and I was binging a bit less but still whenever I felt I had been "bad" and indulged a bit, had dessert or even something that I didn't feel comfortable with. Then the summer after my ex broke up with me after having ruined my birthday by binging again I decided to try Intuitive Eating - this was just before I went to America again. It worked for a while, I only binged twice in nine months which is great considering it used to happen once every week but slowly my dieting ways came back and with restriction came deprivation and with deprivation came binge eating. The worst is I didn't even see it happen until it was too late! Now I feel like I'm back at square one. I'm trying - I really am but I don't know what to do anymore. I could seek professional help but in France binge eating isn't really known and anyway, i'm going away soon.

Basically i think the problem is I see myself as fat because I'm heavier than I used to be and want to be and my knee-jerk response is to diet but with dieting comes binge eating and the vicious circle.

Thanks for reading, it wasn't easy writing this as I haven't told anyone, even my mum didn't know and she knew absolutely everything about me. I guess I'm ashamed - eating should be so simple and I envy those who don't know what an eating disorder is. They just eat what they want when they want and stop when they don't want it anymore. I can't do that and right now I'm freakin' pissed off. My life is perfect at the moment and I'm destroying it, I'm destroying myself.
At least this is a step in the right direction and I can now talk about my struggles more freely even though some may not understand. I know I am enough but it never seems that way!

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A moment in time

Feb. 17th, 2012 | 10:35 pm
mood: happy happy

As most of you know from facebook, I passed!!!!! Those horribleworstofmylife exams didn't get the best of me! Although I have to admit I almost lost my sanity in the process and it will be repeated in april/may. But for now, I'm on holidays, celebrating goingtomakeamoveontheguy tomorrow and I'm off to Dublin on Tuesday :) Life's not too bad. 

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Without warning

Jan. 22nd, 2012 | 10:14 pm

I think I have a crush. You know, the butterfly feeling. Yeah, that one. I don't think the feeling is mutual but still, I haven't acted like this in what? 3 years? 

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Jan. 13th, 2012 | 12:28 pm

Well, I finished my exams just now and after over two months working non stop even during Christmas followed by two weeks of intense exams and more swotting, I feel I can safely say these were the hardest I've had to take in all my university life!

After my little panic last weekend I feel that I may have passed but we'll see. I should have the results in two weeks.

The problem here I've realised is that I'm used to being the brilliant one, not the good one, the brilliant one. Yep. I don't mean to be snob or pretentious but it's true! And I think that's partly why I'm struggling here. You see, in law I am very average, if not lower average and it's getting to me. Ha. We'll see anyway. For now I'm just going to... what? nothing! I have nothing to do. BLISS!!

Ps: thank you all so much for helping me through all this! I couldn't have done it without you guys (cheesy I know!) but really, you are the best!

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2012 needs to improve!

Jan. 7th, 2012 | 08:59 am


Exams are not over, it's not because I've failed the two important ones that I have to fail the 3 I still have to pass. 

And no, it's not like I always say I've failed and then end up having a great mark, this time I've really failed. The subjects were horrible and despite working my butt off for to weeks, literally not taking any break over christmas I couldn't do them! I love law but I'm hating what it's doing to me!

And what if I can't pass? Then what? I'm not repeating this year, not after graduating last year. Yet if I don't pass I can't go on to a MA in law because I'll have failed a BA. Aaah I hate this!

And now I'm wondering where all this is coming from. Dunno, it's just that this is always what has defined me. I mean, I don't have a love life, I'm not particularly good at sports or brilliant at anything, but I am a nerd and I pass exams. That's me. That's what I do. And if that's taken away from me I just don't know who I'll be anymore!

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The 2012 resolutions

Jan. 1st, 2012 | 07:23 pm

I've decided what my resolutions will be:

- Stop thinking the grass is greener everywhere else than here

And for smaller things: run more, get healthy and stop yoyoing with my weight, oh and find the time to read more too!

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The 2011 post!

Dec. 31st, 2011 | 11:17 am

Another year is finishing, where does the time go? 

For the year recap, there's waaay too much to say about 2011: 

1) I travelled SO much this past year: Poland, Budapest, Prague, Ukraine, Turkey, London, Dublin... and even NYC and Disney which was probably the best trip of my life so far! I know I have been very lucky in that domain and even though I'm finding it quite hard this year to be in one place, I'll never wish my "travelling bug" away. I love travelling so much. Although, saying that, I also like being home. I think the important part is to travel with the right people in order to enjoy it, in fact, my best trips were the ones where my travelling companions and I almost always had the same wishes and needs which makes things so much easier! Also, it does help when people are flexible and don't always think about what they want to do! Anyway, this year I won't be doing much since finances aren't great and I don't really have the time to travel either but I'm still squeezing in a trip to Dublin in February :) 
Doesn't help though that yesterday my dad told me he is going to Morocco in Feb and travelling around Ireland in may! So jealous about Ireland! I wish I had time to travel there again!

2) I met so many new people with Erasmus, some of them have become firm friends, others I probably won't see again but it doesn't matter. it was a great experience, one I'm glad I did but also one I wouldn't do again. It's too tiring! It did teach me a lot of things though, like to say what I want and not care about what people think if I say no (to a certain extent of course). I'm not going to be walked all over anymore. That's finished! 

3) I've realized I have a real Eating Disorder. I don't really want to go into the details yet but what I am going to say is that I'm so glad I've finally admitted it to myself. It takes some pressure off. I'm not seeking professional help at the moment but maybe I will. I don't know. It all started 10 years ago when I lost weight and since then, well, let's just say I have never had a "normal" approach to food. Ever since I've decided to take action though, I'm already feeling better. I've put on weight in the process which I hate but I've decided getting better is more important than being slim. At least I'm trying to think like that! 2 months on and I definitely feel better with it.

4) I had to have a colonoscopy and really thought my life was over. I was so scared and I was too afraid of the consequences to talk to anyone about it, well except you Immy peeps who helped me more than I could have asked for! To be honest at the beginning it was probably just hypochondriac behaviour but I've read that sometimes, you create your own symptoms and they become real if that makes sense. Probably what happened. I'm determined to work on my stress this year so that it doesn't happen again!

5) I've accepted my dad's girlfriend and have learnt to like her. She's really nice when you get to know her and I love having a feminine presence in my life. To be honest, if they separated I think I would be sad and miss her but shhhhh ;) She gives great advice and never oversteppes as she knows I'm still fragile but things are going well. Of course, sometimes I still go errrr like this christmas which we spent at hers with my bro, his gf and my two little nieces because my Dad had given my mom's stocking to Claire as it was "unused". I didn't like that so I told him. But it's only little things really.

That's all I can think of for now, so for the next post my 2012 goals :)

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Oct. 25th, 2011 | 04:03 pm


I can breathe again! Nothing wrong at all, just a little polyp that had to be removed but only one and it was tiny apparently. It's going to be analyzed and if it's not harmless then I'll have to get tested every 5 years but as the doctor said: my insides are all clean! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee so so so happy!!!! I can have my life back now :) bring it on!

i wanted to thank you all for your support and concern, you really are the best of the best!

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Oct. 25th, 2011 | 11:16 am

Took the disgusting stuff yesterday and this morning, it really is horrible. Hopefully in a couple of hours everything will be over!

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I'm so pissed!

Oct. 23rd, 2011 | 06:28 pm

WHY THE FUCK ISN'T MY DAD ASKING HOW I AM AND HOW I AM COPING? And worse, my stepmother who usually tiptoes around me is actually showing a greater interest in how I'm doing and is acting more like a parent towards me than my dad is! If I didn't know better I'd really think he doesn't give a damn! AND he has the nerve to phone me to ask me to ring up my grandmother because it's her birthday today. May I remind you that SHE did not wish ME a happy birthday and that my brother despite being home for over a year still hasn't seen her? Yet it's me who is in no uncertain terms reminded that I am a bad granddaughter because I didn't ring her!

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The diet!

Oct. 22nd, 2011 | 03:08 pm

I don't know about the liquid i'll have to drink on the eve of the test that's supposed to empty you but the diet you have to follow 3 days before is pretty hard! Well, it's not really, but as someone who loves fruit & veg I'm finding it horribly hard! I guess for someone who loves meat and carbs it's fine though. What am I having today? Pasta with cheese and chicken. What do I want? An apple! Give me an apple!!

On the plus side though, milk is forbidden but soya milk is ok so I can still have my tea. Phew!

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Oct. 13th, 2011 | 08:27 am

Thanks for all your lovely messages everyone. Trying to keep the spirits up but I'm just really stressed out. The waiting is even worse! Just hoping if there's something I didn't leave it too long before going to see someone.

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A shamefully depressing update

Aug. 16th, 2011 | 11:55 am

 I thought that after my long blogging absence I'd come back and write about how wonderful my summer was what with being in NY for a week, Disney and Paris for a few days, having the best birthday ever, amazing presents and a great time spent at home after Warsaw to name a few, but instead, I'm sat here crying my eyes out because it's been 2 years since I lost my Mom. 

To be honest I thought I was coping well which on a normal day is probably true even though I do miss her like hell at certain times. I have so much to tell her all the time, so much I'd like her to see and know. Please guys, if you comment do not tell me that she is watching over me and is with me all the time because yes, it may be true but it's nothing like having her physically with me and today I don't want to hear that. I used to message her almost every hour just to update her on random things,  I use to go shopping with her and we would have lunch together followed by a sinful coffee and cake, I also used to tell her about my fears and what scared me and she always had the answer. She always knew what to tell me to make me feel better and usually it was exactly what I needed to hear. She listened to my incessant rants about my weight, about how I felt insecure with people, with friends, with boys.. I could tell her absolutely everything. She was my Mom but she was also my best friend and today at this moment, the thing I need the most is a big hug from her. And that's not even talking about the jealousy I sometimes feel when some of my friends tell me about their shopping/girly days with their moms or the rage I know is inside me, ready to surface at the mention of people hating their moms. 

I want her to know how well I've done this year, how much fun I've had but also how hard it was to feel that if I was the real me I wasn't going to fit in. I feel I was playing a role because yes, I do like to have fun and all - who doesn't - but I hate clubbing and I only occasionally drink but this year, I did it all to fit in despite it not being me. I went to the gym and I went swimming, I studied despite no-one else studying, and those 3 facts were probably the only part of the real Annie that remained with me in Warsaw. I know myself that it was just what I needed at the time, I needed to get away and not be Annie for a while which worked wonders at the start but then, it got tiring pretending to be someone I'm not. I don't regret it because if I hadn't left France I would have gone mad and I loved the light-hearted feeling of the first few months but you can't change the inner you no matter how hard you try! That's something I've learned this year and I'm hoping it'll stay with me now that I'm home, that, and the not caring so much feeling. 

I do feel better, and I do like my dad's girlfriend, she's nice and yes, I want to make efforts with everyone which I am and I know my dad is grateful. But I still feel like everyone has moved on and I'm stuck here. I mean, my dad kissed me this morning and told me he was thinking about mom which was nice but still, it's not the same. My bro has his gf and now has babies, my dad has a gf and who do I have? I have friends sure, I have family who I love me and who I love but it's not the same. I feel so lonely at time even if people are around me - my dad would say that I need to talk to people, let them in on my deep secrets he means but I don't know. It feels like letting people know that you're not as strong as they think you are. Plus, I feel that by now it should be ok but it's not. I'm not moody all the time, I'm not depressed or maybe I am but it's nothing like it used to be. And the fact that I'm stuck at home for another 2 weeks at least isn't helping either as all I'm doing is sitting here when I want to go to the gym and do other things but it's too expensive and I'm always lazy anyway when I'm here. But even in taking into account those statements, it still feels that I should be doing better.

I think one of my main problems is that I'm never happy and I'm always comparing myself to other people, something I've always done but it was made easier as my Mom always managed to talk me out of my uselessness feeling. I always look at other girls because they are prettier, taller and thinner than me and I'm always wondering what can I do to be more like them. I always look at couples and think I would kill to be part of one but then I feel that no, I'm not made to meet someone because I love my independence too much which in turn makes me feel sad. Even when I'm with my friends I look at other groups of friends and think there's must be better. Viscous circle you said? I'm so fed up of all this and to be honest I think it's not going to get better, on the friend/boyfriend front at least as I'm going back to uni in a year where I know absolutely nobody, in a degree where all the girls are bitches/snobs and all the guys are mummy boys. The joy.

Ha, and something funny or horribly ironic depending on how you see it: in Warsaw, everyone I met couldn't believe I was French because apparently, even overseas and in other countries, french people have the reputation of being snobbish and very bitchy, especially girls which didn't fit with me because I was "so nice" and "so sweet". What have I been saying for the past, oh 10 years or so? At least now I know I was right and not just difficult/a lost cause/socially inadequate! Yey me!

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One thing sorted at least!

Jun. 13th, 2011 | 10:15 am

 I officially gave up my place in the business school yesterday. What made me decide? Well, the main reason I was still hesitating in the end was purely the fact that I could go to Oz in January if I took the place. Apparently not as I discovered only 2 days ago that this year, it's not an option and it's not a the list of possible destinations. It wasn't in my hands anymore and they basically made the choice for me. Now I have to decide if I want to transfer to law and if yes, if I want to do another 3rd year but in law this time, or directly a masters.

Edit: haha just had to quote my cousin:

J:  Really? Is it law then or what's the plan?
Me: The plan is hoping I'll have a brainwave!

Way to go!

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Masters - again...

May. 29th, 2011 | 09:56 am

 The thing is, this is something I would usually ask my Mom. In fact, she would be the only person I'd ask and I know she'd have the answer. There. Problem solved!

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Masters - the plot thickens

May. 26th, 2011 | 02:06 pm

The plot thickens!

My faculty told me that I technically can do a masters in law but that it would be better for me to transfer to the 3rd and final year undergrad instead for multiple reasons, the main one being that as an erasmus I haven't had all the basic law classes I'd need in order to do the masters I want. If I hadn't gone to Poland I would have had a much better shot at trying to do the masters directly but because I chose to go, it would be so much harder. Not only have I lost touch with studying hard (even though I know I can get back into it) but this year, my friends studied some law that I'd need in the MA. Saying that, even if I had stayed in France and finished my degree there, I would still be missing essential law basics which are only taught in 3rd year of a law degree so either way, I have and would have had gaps. 

The thing is, I *know* that it would be so much better to transfer to 3rd year because: 
a) I could get the info I'm missing
b) Get back into studying law properly and doing the practical exercises I haven't done this year
c) I would also have an undergrad in law

and of course the most important reasons:
d) It would be so much easier to do well in my MA as I would then have a lot more essential info and knowledge, plus, I wouldn't be so overloaded with extra work in order to try and catch up with the other's level
e) I would have more chance of keeping a little social life
and finally the most important one: what's an extra year if the outcome is a good masters instead of just an ok one? I know that will be really important for the future too!
BUT being how I am, it seems like a kind of failure to go back into a 3rd year even though I'll already have one BA under my belt! I dunno, I'm proud that I have never doubled a year and that I haven't wasted my time: I've just studied without missing anything, without ever going astray and I'm going to have a BA at 20. I hope this doesn't sound pompous and pretentious but not many people are like me today. I mean, often people change paths or have troubles so they stay back a year. I haven't and I was pretty sure I never would! So this is why it feels like a step backwards instead of forwards and I'm a bit scared of what people will think. Will they think I could have managed the masters straight? I know it shouldn't matter but it does. And it doesn't help that my dad told me he's not worried, he knows whatever I do I'll succeed. My mom also told me that one day. I know it's meant in a good way, that they are proud of me, but it does put a pressure of you! Plus, it means I'll have to spend the next 3 yeras in France, in my town, which I really hadn't planned. I'm a bit scared of what it'll do to me, actually that, and also the hard work. My cousin asked me since when am I scared of hard work? I'm not scared of hard work, I'm scared of what it does to me! But there's nothing much I can do on that front. *sight*
To sum up all this rambling, I think I basically just need to hear that going back to a 3rd year is the right thing to do and that it won't be diminishing in any way!

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Ireland & travels

May. 17th, 2011 | 06:37 pm

 dunno where to post this so I'm posting it here: am I mad in wanting to go around the west of Ireland (galway & connemara) alone for 7/10 days?!

My reasons are, in no particular order :

a) I've always wanted to visit the west of Ireland but I have never found time or money to do it

b) One of my roomates is going travelling for 10 days to places I've already been to & I'm pretty sure I won't be able to stand all that time being alone with the other roomate who will be asking me every night why I'm not going out. I'll go mad.

c) All my other friends here are also going travelling but again, to places I've already seen

What do you guys think?

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IBS, anxiety, and hypo second chapter!

Apr. 9th, 2011 | 12:34 pm

 Thanks to everyone who commented on my last post. To be honest, like I was telling froggy, I've become horribly hypochondriac and anxious about anything health related since mom died to the point that every time I have "something" I imagine the worse (cancer,....). I haven't really told anyone about this because it feels really stupid when said out loud but this is how things are at the moment. At first it was ok, I thought I was just having panic attacks which I was, but when I started thinking about lung cancer after a bad bout of bronchitis I thought maybe there was something more. Since then I have suffered from lung cancer, bowl cancer, skin cancer, throat cancer, and a brain tumour to name a few. Yes I know, it's completely stupid and I shouldn't be thinking like this at my age but as I have discovered, being hypochondriac is a real illness that needs to be cured. Actually I feel better now that I know what is going on but still, it doesn't make everything go away. The problem with this condition is that when you do have real symptoms you can't distinguish whether they are real or whether it's your head making them up because that's what happens when you are so anxious about having certain medical conditions, you manage to create them by thinking about them all the time. Anyway. As I said, I feel a little better now that finally I'm admitting to myself that this is it. I don't want to over analyse too much but I think this is how I've coped for the last two years actually, my brain refuses to let out all the hurt  & pain so my body is doing it instead. 

Saying all this, I *do* have IBS, like I said earlier, I haven't been officially diagnosed but I've had tummy troubles for as long as I can remember. I saw a doctor here about two weeks ago who is accredited by the french embassy. I wanted to see someone I knew I could trust and not faffle around with the language barrier as not all of them speak english and when they do it's not necessarily good english! I told her everything I had been experiencing and she gave me some meds to regulate my tummy & for the blood, plus an eating plan. I haven't had any blood for about a week which is great and I am much more regular when I go to the toilet BUT the weird thing is, not thanks to her eating plan! She told me to have a couple of days where I would only eat purée food and yoghurts, soup, stewed fruits... things like that which I did but it didn't change much. I was still constipated and it still hurt (sorry for the details!). Stress was probably not doing me any good either. Anyway, before calling her again I tried having my porridge for breakfast which she told me to avoid at all costs since it irritates the digestive system. Well, I've been having it again for about 5 days and since then everything seems to be back to normal. Weird. Today was the most normal morning I've had and yesterday I ate a dried fig (also should avoid that according to her as it constipates apparently) which I ate a lot of in france. Dunno if it's related.
Next chapter next week! 

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Ideas for IBS?

Apr. 3rd, 2011 | 11:43 am

I have always had a lazy & fragile tummy but at the moment it is playing up again  :( My mom always used to say I have IBS even though it was never "officially" diagnosed but I had all the symptoms from a young age.
Anyway, I have been much better in growing up because I can't really remember any particular "episodes" but now it's been two months (since I returned from france in february) that I haven't been "quite right" alternating between diarhoa and constipation and it's really not nice. Plus, it's starting to hurt and I did notice some blood a couple of times on the paper. After speaking with my doctor on the phone he thinks I have some haemorrhoid. Dunno what to do. I have some meds to regulate myself but not for the pain/blood :s 

If any of you have some advice I'm willing to take it!

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I've believe I've just had........

Apr. 1st, 2011 | 04:07 pm

Conversation between me & my housemate (I'm A of course!)

A: I feel baaad!
M: me toooo!
A: I think I have fever, I don't understand! Do you feel sick too?
M: no I don't feel sick
A: I'm all red! Shit, I've never felt so baaad! What's going on?
M: I believe you are hangover darling!

Haha, it happened exactly like that! My first real hangover. Hmmmm. Ah well. I guess I've always done everything later than other people lol!

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